Why I am still Here.

I had almost made up my mind that Blogging 201 was just not going to happen for me. I felt out of place and just not good enough. (pity party)… But then I looked back at my previous course of Blogging 101 and saw something that I kinda liked. I wasn’t half bad. Not a seasoned writer, for sure, but I did ok for my first ever public writing.

The past few years, well, ok, the past decade, has not been so successful for me. Due to several mistakes that were made, mostly by me, my life got turned upside down. I won’t go into details but I will say, due to my own doings,  I am broke most of the time. I had a decent paying job for 28yrs and here I am, a time when I should be retiring, working at a job that barely pays minimum wage and it is mentally and physically hard on this old woman. I amvery blessed that I do have a home and I am certainly not starving..but my regret is that I can no longer help my children or husband with any financial needs. They have to help me and that is hard for an strong independent woman to accept.

The writing started as a suggestion from a “life coach’ friend. (I couldn’t afford real sessions!). I started writing, reluctantly thinking. “what a waste of time.”. But then as I wrote, or rewrote my stories, some of them are a few years old that were in a journal or on my computer in a word document, I slowly realized that this was effective and fun therapy for me.

Everything I write is true, in my head. Sometimes I see things differently than others, But I like my version and it is much more non fiction than fiction. That is the problem with me and my extended family. I write the truth and they can’t handle the truth. So I still am not ready to come out to them and my friends.That would be like walking into a room buck naked, full of my judgemental family, who would judge every sag, wrinkle and roll as if they were buying a cow at an auction. They would pick me and my writings apart and strip every bit of dignity that I have gained. I don’t have the strength to build myself back up again.

So I write under a different name and tell only a few of my close frinds what I am doing. I love the people that I have met online and their wonderful support.

My ultimate dream would be for my small blog is for someone somewhere to see that with just a little bit of guidance that I could actually make a small living doing something with my words. I don’t mean like a get rich quick thing. I mean like a “I’ll pick up the resturant tab tonight” thing. I believe in my heart that these poems and songs come to me for a reason and what better reason than to help me and my children breath a little easier?

I am hoping that someone, maybe even myself, can peel away my rough edges and help me spit out the words that are buried deep inside.

A quote that my husband found humours once when I was just trying to explain something to him was “I believe that I am pretty smart” and pointing to my head, I said, “it’s in there, it just won’t come out.” He thought that was just the funniest thing. It frustrated me, but I am always happy to see him laugh, so it became a joke between us.

Well, here I am and it’s finally coming out. I am slowing getting the nerve to go social media with my blog, under an alias, of course.  I am still not ready for my family’s judgement..no wait..I AM ready for them. they aren’t ready for ME. 

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6 thoughts on “Why I am still Here.

  1. I love this post for its honesty! I too have made some mistakes that took my life a different way than I had planned, and writing has become my outlet. It has always been my passion. I enjoy you blog, and cannot wait to read more 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are not doing too bad at all so don’t beat yourself about it. 😊Honesty is a great thing and it’s the one thing that I think is being under-appreciated. There’s nothing more I love than straight-up honesty rather fuzzy woozy all the time. I’ll say screw what others think and ignore any judgements upon you.

    You are already halfway there with some great stuff and 201 is great! So I hope u’ll continue with what you do and find all the nerves to go social. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

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