Nothingness

Ok Here it comes again. I have never been officially diagnosed by the medical professionals or mental health professionals as bipolar. Depression/anxiety, yes, but, this is something more than depression. It is like a vacuum that shows up and sucks all the life out of me. Physical energy, brain function and the ability to even feel ,all suddenly just vanishes from my being. It gets sucked out in a matter of minutes and can last days. Maybe it is a defense mechanism that I have invented to protect myself, maybe it is my thyroid disease screwing with my hormones. maybe it is my brain just shutting down due to fatigue? Either way, it is almost debilitating. I have lost some very good jobs due to missing work and I am just now beginning to see the pattern. I am bright, cheerful one minute, then something happens that causes me to worry a bit, usually over something that hasn’t even formed itself into a problem yet and Wham!! I go numb, no tears, no anxiety, no sleep, no nothing. NOTHINGNESS…I can’t work, I do good to move, I feel like if I move then everything will fall apart. I am frozen, in fear, in dread? Dreading and worrying over something that “might” happen. It usually goes like this: It hits me fast and hard.  I miss work, lie about being sick, try to make myself sick (because i hate liars), spend all day in bed, then feel so guilty that I am actually wanting to be sick. The second day, I’m usually better but I dread going to work to face any questions. So I make myself sick again. It has been a problem with me for a long time but I think I have just recently realized that this may be something that I need to talk to a trained professional about. I am having a lot of self discovery moments lately and not everything I have discovered has been a bed of roses. The bad part in knowing that I have passed this stupid trait down to my boys. What is even worse is knowing that this may not be a genetic trait but something that they have learned by watching me and I have to admit that I am not setting a good example for them. I am having my own little pity party. The party is almost over with and the fact that I blogged this right in the middle of the vast nothingness seems to have made it a “something” and if it is a solid something, then I can take it, hold it up to the light and maybe fix it?. Well… maybe.. with a little help, Can somebody call a doctor?

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2 thoughts on “Nothingness

  1. It might not be a genetic trait, but it is still something that has regularly caused you a problem. Beating up on ourselves is never helpful. Who knows what’s behind it, so try not to be too hard on yourself. From experience, awareness introduces change. The good part is that you are recognising it in the middle of the “nothingness” rather than on reflection and that is a big step

    Liked by 1 person

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